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  • stephenmjozwick

Here we go again.

Here we go again. It's 12:15am and i'm restless, and wide awake trying to shake the horrible thoughts that are running through my head. It's been 2 months to the day that she left me. How funny that today has been one of the worst days i've had since she's passed. My everything, taken from me because of a horrible disease. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel. Instead, I try to push these memories away or drown my internal pain with endless amounts of THC and now again with lexapro. I've been substance free for 2 days hoping that by not poisoning my body I can learn to deal with the emotions out-right. Funny thing is, I can't. I need drugs to help me get through my days. I'm actually quite worried that i'll be relying on drugs for the rest of my life to help ease my pain. Let me paint the picture clearly for you.

I met May when I was a 27 year old degenerate with not a lot to offer but a fit body and an arrogant attitude. During those days all I cared about was partying. I would drink 4, maybe 5 days a week and just be reckless. I had an undiagnosed problem. I wasted my 20's in a drunken stupor refusing to better myself. The only thing that mattered was drinking and women. At the time I met May, I probably had 3 other women that I was seeing and I sure as hell didn't mind adding another to the mix. May was different though. I learned this early on.

Our relationship when we first met was rocky. For the first year or two honestly. Only because I chose for it to be that way. I treated May horrible. I would lie, cheat, heck I probably even stole just to juggle my horrible lifestyle at that time. She stuck by me though. She saw something not even I could see. That there was good man tucked behind this harsh exterior. She was right, and she was determined to bring it out of me. As a year went by, I dropped all these other women in my life for May. May had changed me. She was aware of my wrong doings and she could have left, she should have left but instead she stayed. She helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life. She didn't have to stick around. Someone as beautiful as her didn't need a scumbag like me. Yet her she was. She sure as hell got mad at me once things came to surface though. I can remember sitting at her dining room table with her next to me, and another women on speaker phone who I was telling to leave me alone so I could have my May.

May's attitude towards life was beautiful. Always positive, never complaining and always on the straight and narrow. She came from a very Catholic family who had plenty of problems throughtout their years. A lost sibling, chronic disease. This family has been through it all. May was at the forefront of that but still nothing got her down. Her faith and positivity allowed her to see something within me. She stuck around and saved my life without ever knowing it. This is something that haunts me because I never told her that while she was alive. Her love for God rubbed off of me somewhere down the line and my life changed for the better. All because of her I became a man. A real man. I respected May and learned how to love. There is nothing I loved doing more than loving May.

When she was diagnosed it was easily the worst week of our lives. The fear we both had that she would be taken quickly was unbearable. We had two babies in our home. A newborn and a 2 year old. How could we possibly do this? See May was the toughest woman I have ever seen. She never cried. In fact, she HATED crying. So much so that I would get yelled at or made fun of sometimes if I was caught crying over something silly. I loved that about her. She knew it was time to fight. We knew it was a fight for her life and she would give it her all.

Fast forward a few years and you'll find me bedside with her. The only problem is she's unresponsive. She was on at home hospice for less than 2 weeks before she passed away. Right next to me the way we both wanted. I can still feel her beside me to this day. The last few months of her life were spent doing everything we can to try and find a treatment that would work. I have no regrets about how we handled anything. I don't think she would either. God just needed another Angel. Maybe he just needed someone up there who had May's attitude. I spend alot of my time trying to justify her leaving us so soon. I have yet to find much comfort in any scenario.

Where does this leave me? Well, it leaves me as a 37 year old widower with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I'm lost. I don't know how to manage this. I know I will keep fighting for our children and for her though. Nothing will stop me from being the man May made me. That will never go away. It's a permanent impression she left. I'm still a broken down, mentally drained man laden with PTSD but I will forever think of May when things get tough and I will persevere. It took me almost 2 hours to fall asleep tonight in bed with my children. Yes my children both have been sleeping in my bed. I need to feel a humans warmth and love if I even wanted to think about sleeping nowadays. After wrestling some thoughts I was able to sleep. Just like every other night though I found myself awake. It was 12:14am. Right on schedule. 2 hours of sleep and I find myself wired watching late night sports on the couch. Alone.

I just can't seem to shake these horrible images I have in my head. It's always of her sick, i'm always pushing her in a wheelchair in my mind. I'm constantly thinking about how I watched her wither away into nothing. I'm constantly thinking about how horrible life must have been for her. I'm constantly thinking about scenarios that will never play out again in real life. To say I miss her would be a giant understatement. She was my rock. My world. My everything.

There's alot of shit that goes through your mind when you lose a spouse. I wasn't ready for it to be this hard. I actually think I did a good job drowning out bad thoughts for the first few weeks. I thank the drugs for that. I thought it would be easy and I'd find love elsewhere eventually and be able to get on with my life. It's not that easy. Nor do I want to "get on" with my life. There is not moving on. There is only moving forward now. Before she died, she told me it was ok if I found someone else when she was gone. She knew I would need it being so young. I can vividly remember this conversation and me weeping hysterically telling her no. I don't want or need anyone else in this life. No one can compare. I meant that in the moment, and after 2 months I still mean that. There is no one that can do for me what May did.

Luckily, she came from such a great family. They have taken me in as their own and they have done so much good for my family and me. They have been there by my side during the worst of times. We moved to be closer to them when we realized things could end quickly and it was the best decision we could have ever made. When she passed I was asked a few times if I'd be moving back "over the bridge." No. Never. I love our new life here and I love her family. The least I can do for May is stay and live out life the way we had planned.

These inchorent thoughts may not seem like much. It helps me cope. I really want to use this writing as a way to let people know the good May did in this world. She took a young, God-less, unattached, borderline alcoholic and made a man out of me. I can NEVER repay May for what she did to help me find my way. Maybe that's why I can't sleep? Because I know the bad i've done, and the good she's done. I still don't know what she saw in me early on. I'm so thankful she stuck around though. I found out what true love is because of May. I found God again because of May. She taught me how to be a better boyfriend, husband, father, son, brother, cousin, and friend. I owe my life to her. One of my biggest regrets is waiting until she was dying to tell her that. I guess I should be happy that atleast I did get to tell her. I know she understands that now where she is. She is able to see my mind, and where my heart is and was. I hope anyway. I hope she sees the man i've become because of her. I live everyday to try and be like May now. I owe it to her. I refuse to let her down.

I am going to keep this journal going. It won't be the most well put together writing. It will always just be me writing whatever pops into my head. No rhyme or reason. I love my May.

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